As Kermit the Frog whimsically sang, “It’s not easy being green.” Our President George W. is finding that out this week as he offers environmentalists a few bones in honor of Earth Week. It’s not easy displeasing your conservative political base and having the real Greens question your motives. And Dubya isn’t even a frog. If you kiss him, you will not get a prince.
Nonetheless, I empathize with his predicament. I’ve been trying to be green for years, but my best green plans always seem to hit snags. Oh, the whole world isn’t calling me names because I’ve reneged on promises to cut CO2 emissions. And I’m not pushing to despoil the Arctic Wildlife Refuge and the Gulf of Mexico with drilling rigs (and seriously ticking off my brother, who worries about getting reelected). All I’m trying to do is get rid of some really old telephone poles.
This is not as easy as it might seem. PG&E had no trouble when it replaced them with new ones several decades back. They simply asked us to allow them to park their rigs on our property while they were doing the work and in return they would give us all the used poles. Of course, some of them had been hit by 18-wheelers, but we needed a whole bunch of fence posts, so it seemed like a good deal at the time. What did we know?
The power companies were smart back then, and they had lots better PR when they were trying to sell as much electricity as possible. They talked people into building Gold Medallion All Electric Homes, so they wouldn’t have to share any revenue with the propane vendors. As recently as 1995, when we asked them to extend our power line a half-mile farther to serve our new house, they said they would charge $500 less if we installed air conditioning. And they would rebate part of the cost if we could talk the guy at the back of our canyon into hooking up to the grid. We tried, but he said he’s getting on just fine with his diesel generator. Yuck. Now they don’t want us to turn on the air conditioner or anything else before 7 p.m. since they can’t buy any power because they can’t or won’t pay their bills.
Anyway, 30 years ago we took the pre-owned poles and built fences and used a few of them to shore up the sagging roof on the old hay barn, circa 1947, which continued to sag but remained upright until a few weeks ago, when it met its demise amid terrific wind and rain.
So we called the local guy who takes care of cleaning up decrepit buildings, broken trees and the like. For a whopping fee, he knocks it down and carts off the remains. Well, almost all the remains. The 10-foot poles he won’t touch.
The local dump/transfer station won’t take telephone poles or railroad ties or anything else that’s been treated with creosote. I don’t blame them, but what are we supposed to do with the darned things? We’re told (with a wink) maybe we could just bury them. Well, no, I don’t think so. If the landfill is worried that creosote will leech into the groundwater, then I’m worried about that too. Oh, well, who would know, he says. I would know. Our wells are pumped from that groundwater. It’s bad enough the guy with the diesel generator might be letting diesel fuel seep into the aquifer, and he’s upstream, so to speak, from our wells. Besides, it’s just not the green thing to do.
So the old hay barn gets knocked apart and carried off and we’re left with a pile of very used poles, their tops pitted and splintery and their bottoms shiny black with smelly creosote. These things are going to be harder to lose than old tires. They’re never going to decompose. And you can’t burn them because it would foul the air with enough acrid, black smoke to choke a diesel engine. The AQMD folks would have us arrested.
So guess what? This morning I get a notice from PG&E that our power will be turned off for a few hours April 26 so they can upgrade the lines, weather permitting. This is ironic because every time we have any significant weather the power goes out anyway. Also, when semi drivers veer off course and crash into the poles, which they do with alarming frequency.
What if I could talk the PG&E guys into taking back the poles? Maybe they could convince the bankruptcy court that these are valuable assets and could be used to help pay off their creditors. Maybe the PG&E officials are going to be looking for work soon or trying to get elected to something. Maybe they can improve their image if they do the green thing and take responsibility for their polluted poles.
What I need is a hotshot political consultant to make my case with the power company. Maybe I can borrow one from George W. After all, I’m just trying to do the right thing here. Nobody said it was easy being green.