I don’t know the guy who came up with the idea of making resolutions for the New Year, but I would like to punch him in the snout. Why — you might ask — would I like to hit this fellow right square in his schnozzola? (How I love that word.) The answer is simple — I am a person of little resolve, and this insufferable tradition means I start each year doomed to failure.
What positive purpose can be served by making promises which I have absolutely no hope of keeping? For instance, each year, I resolve that I will eat no carbs for a month and, on New Year’s Day, I proceed to wolf down a pizza, accompanied by two full scoops of ice cream. I also resolve that I will go through the year and not see one doctor, lawyer or dentist. That promise is occasionally unbroken through February, but never gets much beyond that.
And, of course, I tell myself I will not utter a single, public, unkind word about Donald Trump, but there is absolutely no chance in hell I have any intention of keeping my lips zipped tight about that self-righteous, vile, vulgar, humorless, bigoted bully. So you see, that resolution was broken before the new year even arrived.
I didn’t know how to avoid this trap of making resolutions which I could not honor until I had a recent conversation with my friend, the honorable David Dreier, former head of the Rules Committee of the United States Congress. (Yes, I do have Republican friends.) When I asked David if he had any resolutions for the new year, he thought for a moment and responded, “Yes, I intend to smoke more fine cigars this year than ever before.” Now, that is one admirable goal. It also got me thinking; perhaps I was going about New Year’s resolutions all wrong. Rather than promise what I was not going to do, I should be more positive and only resolve to do more of those things I already like.
For instance, I hereby resolve to watch more nature shows and not to miss a single episode of Downton Abbey. I promise I will go to more movie screenings at the Malibu Film Society, and I will get at least one massage per month from September, a superb masseuse. This is more like it. So, if you have to make some New Year’s resolutions, be my guest, and try resolving to do more of what you like. Hope you succeed and happy new year.