Arnold G. York
Unshackled at last
I can’t tell you how relieved I am now that the FCC has finally seen fit to unshackle my hands and let me go free into the marketplace and continue my quest to become a media mogul. In anticipation of its actions, I’ve been combing the industry gossip sheets looking for big soft cushy TV takeover targets.
At first, I must admit, I was thinking a bit small, perhaps just taking over the local public access channel or two and making a few program changes in the public interest. But then I thought, Hell, let’s just go for it!
Now I must admit that I have never quite understood some of the nuances of this mergers and acquisition business, but as I understand it, lack of knowledge is not only not an impediment to success, it might actually be an advantage. Too much knowledge can make a man timid, and this is not a time for timidity. It’s a time for boldness Michael K. Powell, FCC chair, says. He has opened up whole new frontiers to us print barons and the time has come to contemplate making some hostile takeover offers.
Apparently, the trick is making an offer to buy someone who doesn’t want to be bought. Actually, it’s not the shareholders that don’t want to be bought. If you offer the shareholders enough money, they’ll generally sell you their stock, and throw in their husbands or wives and children. It’s actually the executives who don’t want to be bought. If the company gets bought they’re out of a job, so they’re very resistant. The way to handle the executives is to offer them a golden parachute. If they don’t like the parachute, add another zero on the end. If that doesn’t work, add two zeros. Sooner or later they’ll be as happy as the shareholders to see it sold.
Making an offer to the shareholders for the company is the easy part. All you have to do is rent an impressive site and throw a press conference. You then invite all the financial reporters. The press is easy. Just keep the booze and canaps coming and they’re agreeable. The truth is that most of these guys really didn’t want the business beat. They all wanted to be out covering wars and doing glamorous stuff like that, but got stuck in the job. One or two may have actually taken economics 101, but aside from that knowledgeable group most of the others just take the press handouts along with the canaps. Think I’m kidding. Think back to the exquisite coverage of Enron or WorldCom just before their fall. The day before the fall, they were talking about them as best-run companies in America. The new economy. A few days later, they were all punditing about how everyone else had missed what to them had been so obvious.
What to buy? That’s the dilemma.
CBS? No, probably past it’s prime, and Dan Rather is getting a little long in the tooth. ABC? No, it’s had a bad season, in fact, a series of bad seasons. NBC? Perhaps, shows some promise. Fox? No, a little sleazy, besides, Rupert Murdock is a bit difficult about those things.
The only way to do it is to make up a wish list. You want an acquisition that’s got a team or better yet, a bunch of teams and a stadium so you can always get good seats in a skybox. Corporate jets are also important to get you back and forth to the games. A couple of hit shows running would be nice. Some news anchors who are less than geriatric. A big library of old movies to run over and over. Lastly and preferably, anything on a different continent than Murdock.
Turning to the more mundane side of acquisitions. There are big doings percolating around Malibu City Hall. For one thing, there are more than rumors that the council is seriously thinking about taking a major shot at buying the Chili Cook-off site from Malibu Bay Company for what is called a central, highly treated wastewater package plant to serve the Civic Center, which includes new construction. This proposed deal requires a willing seller, which means the Malibu Bay Company (MBC) would have to be agreeable to selling the Chili Cook-off site, something it has resisted in the past.
However, in the present political climate, with a town highly resistant to the proposed deal, which is what I’m guessing the recent polling shows, perhaps the MBC’s prospective might shift. It would require major dollars because the Chili Cook-off land is probably worth $15 million to $20 million plus the cost of building a plant and storage facilities. MBC would have to give up potentially 155,000 square feet of new construction in the Civic Center, but a new plant might solve a great deal of its current wastewater problems, and perhaps the city can sweeten the deal for them somewhere else. Whatever happens probably has to happen fast because the council vote on the Malibu Bay Company Development Agreement as presently written must be voted on by the July 28 council meeting to make the November ballot.
The talk is the city is thinking about trying to raise federal and state loans, grant money and perhaps look to a local bond or improvement district for funds to help with the purchase of the land. Although no one is saying so in so many words, there is some good indication that there’s lots of money around to fix the Malibu Creek, Malibu Lagoon and ocean pollution problems. The question is, will MBC owner Jerry Perenchio become a willing seller, and can the city find the bucks?