Suzy the Significant insists I’m cranky. I maintain I’m a victim of time-induced acuity.
The only reason I bought the damn Triscuits at CVS (used to be Sav-On) was that I realized while I was at the post office I’d forgotten them while I was at Ralphs, and my back was biting at me so I thought instead of walking all the way back to the market I’d try CVS next door, and sure enough there they were, left side, bottom shelf.
Forget about it.
“These are stale,” Suzy said.
“I just bought them.”
“Taste one; you tell me.”
I took a bite. Dead stale.
So I brought them back and as luck would have it, I faced … let’s call him Fred … at the checkout counter.
“These are stale, Fred. My fault. I should know better than to buy food at the drug store. I figured you’d want to know so you could inform the distributor.”
Through a detached half-smile Fred asked me if I wanted to buy something else; I said no thank you, not at this time. So he handed me some money and a piece of paper to sign and said evenly, “We’ve never had a complaint before.”
“You mean on the Triscuits?”
“Right.”
“I’m the first?”
“You’re the first.”
“You don’t believe me, do you, Fred? I can tell you don’t believe me.”
“I’m just sayin …”
“Taste one, you’ll see.”
“I don’t eat that stuff.”
“Are you basically saying that I’m a chronic complainer and that everybody else in Malibu is delighted with your Triscuits but me?”
“What I’m sayin’ is this is the first complaint I’ve ever had about the Triscuits.”
“You’re saying you don’t believe me, am I right?”
“I’m just sayin’ you’ll probably be the first and last one ever to complain about the Triscuits.”
“See? You are. You’re accusing me of being some nut who refuses to appreciate a decent Triscuit.”
“I’m just sayin’, that’s all, you’re the one who’s makin’ something out of it.”
“Right. You take a pot shot and it’s my fault for reacting.”
“I’m just sayin …”
I pocketed my money, made a beeline for the door.
Allow me one more grievance. I’m in an edgy mood.
We saw “The Departed” again the other night. Is it me, or is it that they don’t make Academy Award winners like they used to? I’m almost afraid to admit that I had trouble, especially in the long shots, distinguishing between Matt Damon and Leonardo DiCaprio. Uni-flavor. The leading lady, I notice, had an affair with both of them; my guess is she assumed they were the same guy too. I never had that problem with Newman and Redford.
I’m determined to close this column on a positive experience.
If I had my druthers I would do all my shopping at MBSC (used to be Mail Boxes Etc.) Do you know the store? It’s located prominently between Ralphs and The Vitamin Barn. It exists primarily to fulfill our stationery, copying and shipping needs. Are you acquainted with Howard Spanier, the proprietor? If you’re not, it’s worth your time just to pop in, say a quick hello and maybe steal a paper clip. Howard is the most pleasant and accommodating man in Malibu. And (up till now) is well known for his splendid sense of humor. If I were a Republican he’d be my choice for president (John Cosentino for vice). And it’s not just Howard that’s such a dreamy guy. His attitude has spread like butter to his employees. Check out Brian, Chris and Mark, for instance, all of whom deserve a raise in my book. I feel almost as cared for at MBSC-though I have trouble remembering what it stands for-as I do at home. Even though they refuse to stock the red Uni-Ball Gel Impact pen refills they promised, somehow I always leave that store more satisfied that when I walked in. Frankly, I wish I could get my Triscuits there.