Who’s on ‘but first?’

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    I’m writing you to let you know that I have recently been diagnosed with a very serious condition and there’s no hope I will ever recover. It seems that our Malibu City Council also possess this infirmity. This is an ailment many Malibuites suffer from and may not as yet have been diagnosed. Now they will be able to discuss it with their loved ones and try to explain what really happened to them all those times they tried so hard to accomplish something and didn’t. I call it the “But First Condition.” I sermonize.

    It happens to me every Saturday when I decide to mow the lawn. I start toward the yard and become aware of the local Malibu newspapers on the table by the door. I should read the letters to the editor. I ought to see if the City Council of Malibu has taken action on the use of Kentucky Blue Grass. Okay, I’m going to mow my non-native lawn, BUT FIRST, I’m going to read The Malibu Times. After that, I notice the mail on the kitchen table. Okay, I’ll just put the newspapers on the “read later” stack. BUT FIRST, I’ll look through the pile of mail and see if there are any bills to be paid. Yes, now where is the checkbook? Oops, there’s the empty glass from yesterday on the table. I’m going to look for the checkbook, BUT FIRST, I need to put the class in the sink (a woman would put the glass in the dishwasher, a bona fide man would place it in the sink).

    I head for the kitchen, look out the window and notice the patio flowers need water. I put the glass in the sink, and darn it, there’s the remote for the TV on the kitchen counter. What’s it doing here? I’ll just put it away, BUT FIRST, I need to water those plants. I head for the door and darn! The dog needs to be fed. Okay, I’ll put that remote away and water the patio plants, BUT FIRST, I need to feed the dog.

    Saturday night — lawn not done, The Malibu Times still not read, glass is still in the sink, bills are unpaid, checkbook is still missing, and the dog must have consumed the remote control. When I try to figure out how nothing got done all day, I’m baffled, because I know I was busy all day. The City of Malibu council is busy all day and most nights, BUT there is always something else to do FIRST. Issues like home office codes, city parks are but a few examples of things not getting done. Neither the City Council nor I can get anything done. I realize this condition is serious and we both should get help. BUT FIRST, I think I’ll read the Malibu Surfside News to see whose mare misplaced the horseshoe nail that is wedged in my car tire.

    And that is all I have to say. (sure).

    Tom Fakehany