Hope Edelman thinks of Mother’s Day as a day to recognize and celebrate women of all varieties, ‘mothers as well as women who have provided mother-like support and caring.’
By Judy-Anne Goldman/Special to The Malibu Times
This Sunday, many will celebrate Mother’s Day, honoring the woman who gave them life by giving them flowers or taking them out for brunch. However, for those who have lost their mothers, the celebration may take a different light. Malibu resident Hope Edelman brings support and understanding to women who lost their mothers at a young age. Her latest book, entitled “Motherless Mothers,” is due out from HarperCollins in Spring 2005.
The seed for this subject took root in Edelman’s first book, “Motherless Daughters,” published in 1994. “I wrote a chapter called ‘The Daughter Becomes a Mother.’ The material for the chapter kept growing, addressing the concerns and challenges of not having a mother when having your own children. But I kept it at chapter length.”
At 17, Edelman lost her mother. Sixteen years later, she gave birth to her first daughter and saw acute results of her loss. Though family stepped in to help care for the newborn, Edelman didn’t have the nurturing, motherly support she needed. “There is a lack of emotional and practical support,” Edelman said.
Through surveys, Edelman found many common emotions among motherless mothers. “There’s a feeling that you’re particularly bereft of that mothering during post partum. There’s a grieving for one’s mother, even if the loss was 30 years before. It’s a feeling of being disconnected.”
The writer said that childrearing is directly affected by the loss of one’s mother as a youth. “The memory of your mother is so distant that many women are worried that they won’t be a good mother. It’s operating from a deficit.”
Because of that fear, Edelman said there seems to be a compensation factor that spurs women to go the extra mile to be good mothers to their children. Because one’s mother was taken away at an early age, there is a constant concern that their time with their children could be cut short.
“I find motherless mothers to be so devoted, dedicated and committed to their children,” Edelman said. “They want to give their children what they didn’t get.”
Thanks to women like Edelman, support groups and events help women heal and find confirmation. Since 1996, women in many U.S. cities commemorate the day before Mother’s Day as Motherless Daughter’s Day. Gatherings across the country include speakers and rituals such as a ‘Circle of Remembrance’ in which each woman states her name as the daughter of her mother. “It signifies the ongoing presence of our mothers in our own lives,” Edelman said.
“I attend a Saturday luncheon in a different city around the country every year,” she continued. “This year I’ll be speaking at the L.A. group’s gathering at the Skirball Center.” Other chapter locations of the group include Orange County, New York, Chicago, Buffalo, Detroit and Boston.
Edelman sees her own circumstance reflected in her latest book. Because of losing her mother at a young age, she feels strongly committed to spending time with her children. Previous books thrust her into 90-hour week work schedules. This book has been slower to write, she said, because Edelman refuses to make her daughters feel “motherless” by focusing solely on writing.
Mother’s Day is a particularly hard day for motherless women and they deal with their grief in many ways, Edelman said. Gardening provides a way to get back in touch with the earth, a motherly symbol. Journaling is also a popular way to memorialize one’s maternal memories. “I knew a woman who kept a journal where she only wrote in it twice a year. She’d write a letter to her mother on Mother’s Day and on her mother’s birthday,” she said.
“I think of it as another day to recognize and celebrate women of all varieties, mothers as well as women who have provided mother-like support and caring,” Edelman said. “I e-mail all of my friends who are mothers to remind them what important work they’re doing and how necessary it is.”
This Sunday, the Edelman family will enjoy the tradition of being together and receiving breakfast from daughters Eden, 2, and Maya, a Webster Elementary School first grader. “It’s always interesting what they come up with. Last year, my older daughter made me a cheese sandwich-it was a slice of cheese between two other slices of cheese,” Edelman laughed. “They use their imaginations. It’s a chance for them to celebrate their mother. I’ll eat whatever they give me!”
For information about Motherless Daughters of Los Angeles visit the Web site at www.motherlessdaughtersbiz.com.