You can imagine my surprise when, using The Malibu Times for my daily doggie toilette (quite appropriately, it seems), I glanced down to see my own face being used as the very example of canine ferociousness. And, to make a bad rap worse, you captioned this untruthful, unflattering portrait with the phrase “Would you trust this dog?” You call yourself journalists! Well, you got it wrong yet again!
For the sake of setting the record straight, the one fact you got right was my name: Mr. Wizard. If you had cared to ask, you would have learned that I am known as the friendliest Terrier in the Agoura Animal Shelter and the most trustworthy!
Your writer should have known that when the modicum of privacy available to one in such an establishment is invaded by a stranger pointing a flash camera in one’s face, one might appear to be a wee bit irritated (who wouldn’t be).
The only real thing a dog owns is his reputation and you have besmirched mine.
Now, instead of the Malibu family of my dreams, good citizens who would provide me with every canine comfort in exchange for my loyalty and love, I am being vetted by strange hairless young men with angry eyes and tattoos.
You will be hearing from my attorneys.
Mr. Wizard
Agoura Animal Shelter
(As dictated to Karen Portugal York)