News notes of the weird
Not to be outdone by political antics and missteps on the campaign trail, wannabe robbers and clueless criminals made the papers last week, further eroding the line between news and entertainment. And with the writers still on strike, we need to get our laughs where we find them.
Dummy kidnapped
In Lacey, Wash., Trevor, a uniformed mannequin that usually sits in a police car for hours at a time to remind motorists to slow down, has gone missing. The driver’s side window was smashed and Trevor was nowhere to be found. Disabling an emergency vehicle is a felony, police said.
Stickup notes don’t hold-up
Arthur Cheney, 64, was arrested near Marysville, Calif., driving a car that had been spotted at a bank robbery. On the center console of the car officers found a yellow Post-It note with a handwritten “Robbery-100s and 50s only.” An officer said, “We call that a clue.”
Orlando Taylor, 26, was arrested walking in the door of a Bank of America in New York City. Police suspected he was up to no good because he had a holdup note sticking out of his pocket; also, an employee identified him from a prior robbery.
Another robbery attempt failed when the stickup note was so illegible that several tellers couldn’t read it.
Drywall disguise doesn’t
A Pennsylvania bank robber encased in a coat of drywall compound was identified by a Rusty Wallace NASCAR license plate on his getaway car. Convicted last week in the November 2006 heist, along with the confessed driver, the men were apprehended in the driver’s Harrisburg home where police found $3,775 in cash, clothing with smears of drywall compound and more of the substance in the passenger side of the car.
Crime scene fowl
A trail of chicken bones left at a burglary scene more than a year ago has led investigators to a Kansas prison inmate with a long rap sheet and a hefty appetite. DNA was found on six chicken bones left at one crime scene where several shotguns, rifles and handguns were missing. The chewed chicken parts were believed stolen from the refrigerator at an earlier burglary. DNA evidence matched that of a convicted felon serving time at Lansing Correctional Facility for an unrelated crime.
Defrauding the dead
Two men wheeling a rigid, pale body down a Manhattan street in a red office chair were spotted through a restaurant window by a detective having lunch. He first thought it was a mannequin, but then saw it was a dead man, his face partially obscured by dark glasses and a cap. Two of his friends were hauling him to a store to cash his $355 Social Security check.
Overalls afterthought
Reports of a naked man sitting in a pickup alongside a Montana county road led to a two-day chase by vehicle and searches on foot and by air. A routine check showed the pickup was stolen and when police arrived the suspect fled, driving erratically. He escaped from the deputy but the abandoned vehicle was found next morning. A search ensued and the perp was apprehended. Though naked when first spotted, he had managed to put on some bib overalls before he was found.
Dogged defense
In Hawaii, a security guard investigating a report of a naked man performing lewd acts in his pickup turned out to be Tim Chapman, sidekick of (but no relation to) TV bounty hunter Duane “Dog” Chapman. The guard told him to put on his clothes and get out of the truck, but after dressing, Chapman started the truck, drove onto a sidewalk, nearly hitting the guard and drove off. His attorney said it was all a misunderstanding. He said Chapman simply wet his pants with orange juice inadvertently and was changing them doing nothing wrong at all and believing he had sufficient privacy to do it.
Offensive defense
Sen. Larry Craig is seeking to have his guilty plea in a bathroom sex sting erased, claiming the underlying act wasn’t criminal because it didn’t involve multiple victims. Minnesota’s disorderly conduct law requires that the conduct at issue have a tendency to alarm or anger “others,” underscoring the plural nature of the term. Craig would have needed a very wide stance indeed if signaling men in both adjacent stalls at once. Craig’s brief also argues that the undercover officer could not have been offended by the alleged conduct because “he invited it.” Have these attorneys no shame?
Darwin Award contender
A man died after falling several stories in a Hollywood shopping mall while apparently attempting to slide down the banister of a moving escalator, thus removing himself from the gene pool. His friends told officials he “had been drinking quite a bit.”
Classy-fied Ad
After finding alcohol in her son’s car, an Iowa mom placed the following ad: “OLDS 1999 Intrigue. Totally uncool parents who obviously don’t love teenage son, selling his car. Only driven for three weeks before snoopy mom who needs to get a life found booze under front seat. $3,700/offer. Call Meanest Mom on the Planet.”
Headline horror
Russian art loan to London exhibition in doubt amid fears of paintings.
What does that mean? Do the portraits come to life after dark, overcome security guards and take over the museum? Wasn’t there a movie about that? If it means what it says, it might have been: Curator chickens out; artwork oily.